Feed the Beast

image by confidentjohn

Creativity is like sex.

The more you engage in it, the more you want to do it.

On an old episode of "Grey's Anatomy," two characters (Izzy and Alex) sleep with each other and are suddenly enmeshed in desire. The more sex they have, the more they want. Izzy describes it as "feeding the beast" that had been sleeping quietly until she woke it up and fed it. Now it wants to be fed all the time!

Yes, creativity is like that.

I'm not talking about unhealthy addictions here. And I realize that your relationship with sexuality may be completely different than how I'm using the analogy. If the sex talk freaks you out, just discard it and think of something else that is part of a healthy self-feeding loop, like a runner's high or the craving for fresh fruit once you get a taste of the summer's first crop. Desire sparks desire. Creativity sparks creativity. Ideas spark more ideas.

Creative droughts can make us feel like we'll never write/paint/sing/knit/photograph again. But the more we immerse ourselves in creative pursuits, the more paths we see to pursue.

Here's to feeding your inner creativity beast, one little morsel at a time until it's joyously ravenous.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/johnny_d_mitchell/3237952704/in/photostream/

The Spaces Between Actions

me & the sea; Halibut Point Park, Rockport, MA; October 2008 (photo by James)

There are so many good things swirling around in my life right now: new friendships, exciting ideas, big dreams, interesting projects. Even the weather is grooving my way: not too hot and low humidity with big puffy clouds in the sky.

And yet.

Today I feel uninspired and unenthusiastic. So much so that I haven't been able to take much action, despite all my recent brave talk about how you can take action without inspiration or enthusiasm. I still believe that's true, but today I just needed to sit on the couch and acknowledge that for whatever reason, I feel drained and lackluster.

Days like this are really hard for me because I spent years and years -- about 15 of them -- being really depressed. I hid it really well and still managed to do a lot of wonderful things during those years, but they were hard years. Most of my friends didn't know I was depressed. I got so good at hiding it that I didn't know I was depressed. I was what one therapist called a "highly functioning depressive." (The Type A side of my personality took that as a compliment and felt really proud.) But when I found myself calling off work repeatedly and sitting at home crying all day, with absolutely nothing to blame it on, I knew I had a problem.

My recovery has been a process over the last several years, and I'm still unpacking exactly why life feels so much different to me now. I haven't fully figured out why I'm better. Therapy helped, quitting my life-draining job helped, reconnecting with my creative and spiritual sides helped immensely. But because I don't know exactly why I'm better, days like today frighten me.

I imagine it's like someone who has survived a terrible physical illness. Every time there's a weird twinge in your body that's reminiscent of your old disease, you're filled with fear that the sickness is returning. When I feel blah and blue for no obvious reason, I instantly worry that the depression is coming back; that all this time being happy was just a cruel joke.

But I know this is a fear-based thought, and not a useful one. I know that even non-depressed people have a bad biorhythm day or two. I know that just because I feel flat today, I can still feel shiny tomorrow. I believe these things, even when they don't feel true.

I didn't start this post intending to tell you this story of myself. It's not one I'm completely comfortable with or one that I fully understand. But maybe those are the types of stories we need to tell the most. Maybe this is the story you needed to read today. Maybe this is exactly the tiny action I needed to take to stop feeling sad and scared and sorry for myself.

There is all sorts of goodness swirling around in my life right now. That doesn't change just because I spent most of the day curled up on the couch or mindlessly browsing the Internet. It's true: you really can take action even if you don't feel inspired or enthusiastic. And sometimes, that's exactly what you need to do. But if you need to sit on your own couch for awhile and rest, that's okay, too. You can rest until you can take the next little step.

Oh, the green, green grass!

image by //amy//

What if the grass really *is* greener on the other side?

I'm serious.

We tell ourselves that things look better from a distance. That once we get over into that other pasture we'll still be the same person with the same problems and issues. That nothing will change. That the grass won't really be any greener. We tell ourselves these things to remember our blessings and to be content with our present situation.

But what if we sometimes use the-grass-isn't-really-greener argument to keep ourselves stuck? To keep ourselves from following our heart's truest desire?

Well, we say, I may as well keep living here, because nowhere else would be any better.

Well, we say, there's no use in pursuing my creative dreams, because I'm sure I wouldn't be any happier.

Well, we say, no point in trying to make a change now, because it won't make any difference.

Count your blessings? Yes. Be grateful for what you have? Absolutely.

But what if that thing you dream of would be really wonderful?

What if you get there, and the grass is so much greener than you could have imagined?

Don't you want to find out how green the grass is for yourself?

After Inspiration: Choose your own word

image by SleepingBear

Last November I spent three days in a Jersey shore beach house with three other writers, desperately trying to write. This was, after all, a "writing retreat." I was there to write, but mostly I walked to the beach, stared at my laptop in agony, and wandered down to the kitchen for snacks. In the evenings we ate dinner together and chatted. While I could generally keep up with the conversation, I realized that I was often running to keep up, always lagging a step or two behind, hoping that nobody noticed when I furtively scribbled notes about authors, books, and writing terms that I realized I "should" know. The other writers all had more formal education or book publishing experience than I had. I felt a little jealous. Must be nice to have an MFA in writing or a published book, I thought wistfully.

Must be nice.

Hmm...wouldn't it be nice?

Why yes, it would be nice.

I wrote nearly nothing on that writing retreat, but the seed of an idea that had been hiding in a quiet ventricle of my heart finally took hold and started to sprout. I went upstairs that night and stared at my laptop. Instead of trying to write, I started researching grad schools. I didn't know that within six months I'd be enrolled in one. At the time, I thought I was just torturing myself with grandiose ideas of what could have been. I had effectively turned envy into inspiration, even though I didn't know it then.

After I came home, I kept researching like crazy. Then I completed application packets like crazy. Now, when I bemoan my self-perceived lack of work ethic, my husband reminds me how I went from dreaming-about-grad-school to attending-my-first-residency in less than a year. He reminds me that I get things done when I really want to.

So, what comes after inspiration?

As an astute commenter wrote on "Turn Envy into Inspiration," "...the one thing you left out is what you need after you're feeling inspiration--motivation." She's exactly right. Motivation can keep us going after inspiration strikes -- unless you're like me and seize up at the word "motivation."

Unfortunately, "motivation" is a loaded word for me. It's like "discipline" or "potential." In my mind, they all have some negative connotation, probably based on how I've used or heard them used in the past. This doesn't mean that any of those words are wrong or bad. Maybe those words really get you going. That's fine. Everyone has his or her own word-related idiosyncrasies. (For example, I've heard that a lot of people can't stand the word "moist," but I'm totally fine with it. I mean, how can you hate a fat slice of moist chocolate cake? But, to each her own. Anyway, "moist" probably isn't the kind of word we need to worry about here.)

In The Artist's Way (I know, there's that book again!), Julia Cameron suggests the word "enthusiasm" as a good alternative to the word "discipline." I like that. For me, discipline brings to mind a drill sergeant who calls me a pansy-ass and shouts at me to drop and give him 50. (sidebar: Pansy-ass isn't really such a bad thing to be called. Pansies are lovely. If only my backside were so pretty.) In other words, I don't think of myself as a disciplined person. So to tell myself that I need to be more disciplined just makes me despair. How can I be more of something I'm not?

On the other hand, enthusiasm is a much brighter, more accessible term for me. Even on days when I'm not feeling enthusiastic, I can pretend. I can't pretend to be disciplined.

Back to motivation. There are days when I don't feel the teeniest bit motivated, no matter how inspired I am. So instead of motivation, I'd like to propose the idea of action.

Action is a great concept because it doesn't depend on anything else. You don't have to be motivated, disciplined, or enthusiastic to take action. You don't even have to feel inspired. You can take action on a project or idea even when it feels like you're slogging through a muddy field in a long skirt while carrying a large basket of bricks with you. Those aren't the most fun days, to be sure. I'd much rather take action when I'm feeling enthusiastic and inspired, skipping along lightly and twirling through a field of daisies. I love to write when it's fun and easy. That's why I'm trying to learn to write badly, so I can keep writing on days when there are no daisies or twirling.

So what comes after inspiration? For me it's enthusiasm and action. Come to think of it, sometimes those have to come before the inspiration.

What comes after inspiration for you?

Do you have a list of words that are supposed to be helpful and positive, but which make you feel defeated and overwhelmed? Stop torturing yourself trying to figure out how to embrace words you hate! Instead, I encourage you to find an alternate word for each of them. Choose something that energizes and empowers you. (And if the words "energize" and "empower" are on you list of soul-sucking words, feel free to replace them too.)

I'd love to read your list of words and hear how you keep going before and after inspiration.

How You Increased My Blog Traffic by 3,472% in One Day

image by SleepingBear

People.

You people!

You wonderful people made my day yesterday. This blog has never seen so many readers and commenters. My Twitter handle (thewordcellar) has never been bandied about the Twitterverse so much. It was insane in the nicest of ways. Thank you to everyone who spread the word, who stopped by, and who commented. A special thank-you to my friend Rachelle at Magpie Girl who tweeted the link after I told her it was up, as well as to the kindly Chris Guillebeau of The Art of Nonconformity who took it upon himself to tweet it. Without them and everyone else who retweeted the link, I would not have seen such a spike in my normal traffic.

I was thinking about playing it cool, you know? As if watching my traffic go up more than 34 times what I get on an average day didn't totally geek me out. But why bother with a patina of nonchalance? Why pretend that it didn't happen or didn't mean much? The whole point of my last post was to encourage people to be inspired by others' success and to pinpoint what they want to achieve.

So I'm being very honest about what this was like for me. I consider yesterday an immense success because one of the things I covet (remember, covet = love = meant for) are connections with readers. I write because I love words and because I have things to say. Writing helps me to make sense of the world and feel more complete in it. I'll always write, no matter who reads my work. So yes, I write "for me," as the saying goes. But I don't write for me alone. I want to share things with you! Isn't this why we write, make art, start businesses, follow our hearts? We have something to share with the world. (Making money can also be a strong motivator, but that's a topic for another time.)

I was flabbergasted, gobsmacked, overwhelmed, blown away, knocked over, and tickled a lovely shade of pink (not too pastel, not too "hot") when what I wrote resonated with so many people. I am feeling so inspired, not just because it was a nice little ego boost, but also because so many people want to embrace inspiration rather than low self-esteem and meanspiritedness. It feels really good to write something that I'm passionate about and then get to see that so many other people are passionate about it, too.

Since I'm being honest, I'm also feeling somewhat nervous. Even as I was blissfully checking my stats, Twitter, and comments section yesterday, my mind was already going a mile a minute with questions. Mind you, these are all legitimate questions, but my inner gremlin decided to phrase them in such a way as to stoke my self-doubt: What on earth am I going to write next? What if this is my 15 minutes of bloggy fame and it's all downhill from here, baby? What if none of these new people ever come back again? How do I keep from being a one-hit blog post wonder? (My little inner gremlin also pointed out that while my traffic had skyrocketed, I was still nowhere near bigtime Internet superstars in terms of hits and unique visitors. Yeah, thanks for that, little gremlin. I know. But it's not important right now. Right now we're celebrating and feeling thankful. Move along now.)

All this internal chatter ties in perfectly with what I wrote in the last post regarding the so-called doers and wannanbes. That post made me a feel like a "doer" because I put something out into the world that I cared about. But right away my "wannabe" mind worried about what would happen next. That worry isn't useful. It doesn't help me to write another blog post or focus my energy on topics that excite me. It doesn't make me a better writer or help me to build community. All it does is keep me stuck, fretting about my next move.

So instead of worrying, this little confessional and thank-you post is my next move. And the move after this? Come back on Friday to read about what comes after inspiration.